Ashes?

It’s well into Lent, and I’m being struck by ashes. Ashes are grey — not navy blue, or muddy brown – Grey. Like colorless. Like I feel about so many things today. I’ve been down this rabbit hole before, and I’m not going back. So, I find that I must do whatever I can to add color back in.

I’ll walk – 3, 4, maybe 5 miles this afternoon. Maybe I’ll go on a cleaning spree in the house — vacuum and declutter. Eat properly. And I’ll reflect on Ash Wednesday and ashes… and joy of Palm Sunday, the sorrow of Holy Thursday, the seeming loss of hope of Good Friday and the joy and light and color of Easter. I’ll sink into the grey of the ashes, and the way change that I always try to follow through Lent.

I could be so poetic today about the need to die to some things in order to allow new growth. About the difficulty of the unknown and how it tests trust in God. About how things in the past haven’t always turned out like I would have wanted and the realization that I’m not even sure what I want.

Instead, I’m heading out to walk and sit with my ashes and try to hear what they tell me.

A Second Look

Today’s Gospel (Mark 8,22-26) tells the story of Jesus healing a blind man. He takes him outside of the town, and it takes 2 passes before the man sees clearly. Then Jesus tells him to “Go home. Don’t even go into the village.”

It seems that Jesus has had to touch my eyes more than twice — and I still don’t see clearly. Well, maybe, I see clearly for brief moments. Then, those folks around me look like trees walking again.

And then – the admonition to go home. “Home is where the heart is.” Home is that place where I am completely free and safe. Home is that room inside me where I can go and just be. It seems that the path home is prayer, which opens me up to a deeper relationship with God.

Going into “The Village” seems to reflect what we do all too often — go out and share something. Keep it at a distance. Share it around so that it doesn’t have to affect me so deeply.

Next time my eyes are touched, I’ll try to remember to go home and “be” before I actually “do” anything. And hope that I do get that second look before I run off to deal with walking trees.

Baggage: Carry no money bag, no sack, no sandals;

Today’s Gospel (Luke 10,1-9) contains the instructions to the 72 sent out by Jesus: …Carry no money bag, no sack, no sandals; and greet no one along the way…

What strikes me is that the instruction is to leave your baggage behind. I carry too much baggage with me into any situation. It’s hard to leave baggage behind. I mean, get real — sometimes I remember how someone reacted last time. Or, I know I trust this person to be less than open. And yet, Jesus tells me to go without baggage and offer peace. And, if it doesn’t work out, don’t take the bad stuff with me when I leave.

Good advice. But not so easy to carry out at times.

Make a video

Just testing out sharing a video on a blog…

“I love you” – Mom

I found this in my drafts — guess I forgot to hit publish… or maybe it was too close to my heart when I wrote it.

A couple of years ago, my newly married daughter and her husband apparently had an interaction that overflowed to Mom. He comes from a family where he was constantly, verbally told that he was precious and loved. She, however, it seems, did not. To be honest, when she said to me “I’ve never heard you or Dad say ‘I love you’ ” my world crashed around me. The sky fell.

After a bit of discussion (when I found my voice), she admitted that maybe I had told her that I love her when she was growing up – but she didn’t give ground on her dad. And, I made a change. In the 2 or so years since that conversation (it was a phone call), I’ve tried to never end a call with her, or her brothers, or my mom, without actually saying “I love you.” I’ve even tried it with my husband. It’s a good practice to get into — and in most of those cases, the practice now goes both ways. Hallelujah!

Actions are important, but words matter as well.

Scrutiny?

So, I open Today’s Readings in gmail and notice that all of the ads are for Bridesmaid gifts and wedding books, etc. It’s a hint – today’s gospel contains the quote from Jesus “Can the wedding guests fast while the bridegroom is with them? As long as they have the bridegroom with them they cannot fast. But the days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast on that day…”

How many times to we only pick up on certain words and not get the entire meaning? I do hope to have a better algorithm for understanding than google/gmail…

Forgiveness

A few days ago, Susan (Creo en Dios!) posted about forgiveness and made a reference to “The Shack.”

I just knew that this post was coming from “The Shack” – from the first sentence…

…God tries to get him to understand reconciliation.  God says, “There has never been a question that what I wanted from the beginning I will get. …Honey, you asked me what Jesus accomplished on the cross; so now listen to me carefully: through his death and resurrection, I am now fully reconciled to the world. … The whole world, Mack.  All I’m telling you is that reconciliation is a two way street, and I have done my part, totally, completely, finally.”

In the referenced interchange between Mack and God there is also a lesson for us about the business of our forgiving others. We are called to forgive, but we are also called to forgive without demanding that the other person acknowledge our forgiveness. Not easy. It doesn’t quite feel completed at this point.

When I finally forgive I really want that other person to acknowledge what [a wonderful thing] I have done. I may not actually desire a full relationship with the other person (another way I fall short of the ultimate example), but, by-golly, I want some credit!

Instead, I find that it must be enough for me to forgive. I believe I have mentioned before a penance I had once that required that when I sang or played in mass that it be offered as a prayer for those I felt were persecuting me (and those folks were very often in the congregation at the time). 7 months I did this. Seven months! Until the day that I listened to one of them (a priest) offer a homily. I listened and was overwhelmed with a sense that he was saying the right words, and utterly clueless about what they might mean. The topic was reconciliation/confession. Instead of being angry with him (my usual response) I had an overwhelming sense of sadness for him and what he was missing. Sorrow. I knew I was done. I knew I had forgiven beyond my human ability.

There is still no reconciliation — and never any acknowledgment that I had anything to forgive. But that is not the issue here. Later in the book, God explains  “Forgiveness is not about forgetting, Mack. It’s about letting go of another person’s throat.” And, that is often about as far as I can get.

Mary, Mother of God

New Year’s Day brings the feast of Mary, Mother of God — and a world day of prayer for peace. They seem interlinked to me: to give birth to Christ is the greatest prayer for peace. It’s a call — to give birth to Christ every day in every circumstance — that all Christians are called to.

Not that I succeed very often. Or at least, I don’t often see my success if it is there. That’s where Mary speaks to me. Somehow she accepted that God doesn’t give us the syllabus for this class called LIFE 101. Sometimes I want that syllabus instead of the requirement that I simply show up and pay attention day after day. She understood that the course work was the day to day relationship with the teacher, not the study and scheduled tests that can be dealt with and then forgotten.

And so, as I decide whether to make resolutions that I will no doubt fail to keep this year, one thing comes to mind: Be Present. As a Catholic, I often find myself repeating the words of the Hail Mary:

Hail Mary, full of Grace
The Lord is with you.
Blessed are you among women
And blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God
Pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour of our death
Amen

The first part is pure scripture, the second seeks prayerful support in the two times in our life that are certain: the present (NOW) and at the hour of death (which everyone will face). I will face Now. I will be Present in the moment, which is always. That’s a difficult challenge for someone like me that often wants to curl up in the back corner of a safe closet and let life pass on by. Today, I am reminded that someone is always praying for me Now — even if I’m curled up “safe.” Today, I am reminded that Now is truly all I have, for it will always be Now.

2009 – the Year of Now.

Faith in the Giver

Fr. Jack got distracted by the readings, and wound up giving the homily I needed. He used the Hebrews reading which ends this way:

By faith Abraham, when put to the test, offered up Isaac,
and he who had received the promises was ready to offer
his only son,
of whom it was said,
“Through Isaac descendants shall bear your name.”
He reasoned that God was able to raise even from the dead,
and he received Isaac back as a symbol.
(Hebrews 11:17-19)

That last verse caught him and he decided to reflect on just what Isaac was a symbol of… and after wandering through his thoughts, he came up with the thought that the symbol here referred to faith in the Giver, not based on the visible result. I’m not sure how he got there, and we didn’t record the homily. It seems that faith at one level relies on “results.” Like “I ask for this and it is granted.” Request -> Result. But Abraham went a step further by his willingness to do something whereby the desired result seemed impossible: to offer his son, the only visible way to fullfuill the promise that his descendants would number as many as the stars.

I sometimes do petition God — but, I have discovered it to be generally a better method to lay a situation in front of God and ask Her to be present. The outcome seems to work out best — often not the way I would have invisioned it – better… sometimes more painful, sometimes more joyful.

And so, when I found myself very disappointed yesterday, the homily rushed in on me — I’m still disappointed, but I rest in faith that whatever happens, it will be for the best in the long run.

Amen.

Christmas 3x

No day could possibly live up the expectations that so many of us put onto Christmas Day. We simply ask too much of a single day. Therefore, I have been blessed this year to celebrate at least 3 days of Christmas.

Day One: Christmas Day — mass, John and Daniel frying a turkey out back, gifts, trucking the turkey and meat dressing to my sister’s house for Christmas dinner (this is the first year my Mom has been living down here with us, and hence the first year my brother came south for Christmas instead of going north.) A very delightful Christmas.

Day Two: The next day, Marie (daughter) and Kevin (SIL) arrive… Dan’s girlfriend Shawn had made it in the evening before. Another round of gifts, sharing, and another complete Christmas dinner – this time at our house (another fried turkey). Marie and Kevin stayed until about 5 and headed back. A very delightful Christmas (again);

Day Three: My [step]brother had arrived late in the afternoon of day 2 with wife and daughter. I went and sat with them over dinner after Marie and Kevin left. But Christmas 3 was family brunch at my sister’s house on Saturday, before Stew and Co. had to head home. More food. More fellowship. More cheer. A very delightful Christmas (again).

And so, I am blessed – blessed to remember the birth of the Christchild at mass; blessed to see Christ brought to life so vividly 3 days in a row. Blessed to have the knowledge that this is a lifestyle, not just a day. Blessed with all those around me to help me see and respond to Christ in each and every one of my brothers and sisters. And blessed to be heading off to mass for the Feast of the Holy Family.